Thursday, January 15, 2015

want to

My last post was originally much longer.
But it didn't really say what I was feeling.
So I saved just a fragment.
It has been accusing me ever since.
It's still not right.
Not the whole truth.
The whole truth is that I'm not so sure about focus.
Sometimes my life feels like a book, and I'm at the part readers skim over.
There ARE magical things to try and I love that.
I'm grateful for that and inspired by that.
It's just that I have this feeling...

Life rushes along.
It dips and turns and bends.
Sometimes I am just hanging on for dear life.
Did I miss my corner somewhere along the journey?
Was there a signpost I didn't see?
When I was young, I always felt that something great was just within my grasp.
That my vision would clear and I would know just what I should be doing with my life.
And as I got older the feeling changed.
It felt more like compressed energy.
Like being at the starting line, waiting with every muscle tensed.....
Its not that I crave success in the traditional sense of the word.
But I want to live a life of passion.
And effort.
And focus.

2 comments:

Leanne Paxton said...

This post has really resonated with me today. I too get that just out of reach feeling. A feeling of stuff having slipped through my fingers. I have a good life. I don't need huge success or financial reward. I see beauty everywhere. I struggle, and then I pick myself up, dust myself down, and carry on. But that feeling is there. And I'm not entirely sure what it is.
Leanne xx

Glenda said...

Hi Leanne,
It is comforting and/or startling to read something that is like our own thoughts. I love when that happens. I remember reading Surprised by Joy, by C.S. Lewis and suddenly feeling that he was describing how I felt in such a startlingly clear way. When I was younger I would have a feeling of longing, almost like homesickness wash over me at times and he described it so perfectly and then added that because we were created to be a friends with God and enjoy His presence in our lives and His love, that we long for that, not even knowing what it is we are feeling. It was like those cartoons that show a light bulb above someone’s head. I haven’t had that feeling of loss since.
I love reading your blog posts Leanne.
You are very endearing in your honesty.
In many ways, we creative souls struggle with very similar things I think. We want our lives to matter. Want what we do and create to matter. Life is full of mysteries and one of the biggest ones is how small, everyday things can really be the big important things. You see beauty all around you and that is a gift you have given your boys. And you feel strongly about many things and that is also a gift. And I think that is why people are drawn to you too.
Thank you for your comment. It makes me feel happy to have strummed a cord in someone else’s thoughts.
Glenda